Friday, December 19, 2008

The Renunciation and My Sons
















The Wonder full Seven days with wonderful people.
My Inspiration and Toil……..
As usual Apoorv & Mohi insisted me to sit and write this blog, the hard work ---but I know I can nt ignore these two any more in my remaining life, which I don’t know even how much is left as am now Diabetic and that too very severe with hyper tension…
I don’t know how and where to start, but, still I am trying this blog dedicated to you Mohi and Apoorv who are my achievements and life.
I was in Delhi for some official work on 1 Oct 08 morning. We went to Soniya Gandhi’s house, 10 ,Janpath and met that powerful lady. It was very hot even at 5 PM Delhi was too humid and she met us in her garden , I wonder the powerful lady could not offer us a room in her big bungalow!!!! She was more eager to know what is happening on the grass root level as there were 30 elected women representatives with us to share their problems and discuss some of the issues they are facing in their respective Panchayats. Soniya Gandhi asked the women several questions and also suggested to use Right to information Act in order to improve the things and make the bureaucracy accountable and transparent. Alas! These women could use it as a tool, but, unfortunately most of the women are illiterate. Next day the main program was organized at IHC, Lodi Road and the Indian Finance Minister was the chief guest. The hall was full of dignities and august audiences. I met Kuldep Naiyyer, Lata, Sumedha, Rita, Ruchi and so many old friends. Any way….. !!! Soon after the lunch I left IHC. Alok and Rahul were with me, Alok dropped me at ISBT. Alok also told me that he is fond of my Hindi stories and still remembered all the stuff, he rather advised me to get the book publish and brought out all the stories in a shape, so that, he can talk to Gyanpeeth for publication and also requested me seriously to look and leave some best literature…….before I say good bye to the world, means death, Alok you were not so cruel. I remembered Emily Dickenson’s poem “This is my last letter to the world”. In fact, for last few days Manisha , Rakesh Diwan, Pankaj Parashar and all other friends like Bahadur, Manish, Dr Prakash Kant and all telling me to sit and write ……………….but am the most disobedient person can become a ‘good boy’ when Apu or mohi yell at me or scold me , they know how to get the work done by this stupid fellow.
Journey begins 24X2
I was thinking to board in a Bus for Roorkee, so that, I can see the world with new eye and can shape my life. After Mom’s death, I am almost broken and had Apoorv would not have been with me I would nt have been survived…. Mohi lived a wonderful month with me May and June and he took all the pains in Suyash Hospital, Indore, when I was with Mom. This could have been an ELEGY too written in graveyard, but I will not write all that here, as I have promised my Sons to be a positive person and live for them. I got the bus and then I was leading towards to destination of my Life. I was very up set and almost gone in a dormant stage, last three months were the most difficult ones of my life till now. I am doubt my capacities and skills and also I feel I did not learn the competencies which I should have mastered till now, but, ‘am far from the real world and hence, feeling and facing Life at its ‘Verge’ and’ Edge’. Why this all is happening with me ……… I personally feel very strongly we live double life in a single day--48 hours in 24 hours-- like this bus is running fast with so many small stoppages and me too running very fast …….. Past and future and present is here in this bus only with lot of stoppages. The time which is present, has many folds and unfolds and hence, am living 24X2 times, so, I feel we live 48 hours in 24 hours and this is the root cause of all the problems. As a human being ‘am very much afraid of so many things and also bound with all human emotions. I know harmony, rhythm, death, birth, happiness, sorrow, grief, irony, joy, stress, melancholy, journey in dormant stages is chanting of heart and immense pleasure is “in built” in all these destinations. Lord Buddha says “Mercy is the root cause of all problems” but I think Expectations are the root cause of all problems. As we start expecting from people as well as from our selves we start becoming panic and things start deter orating from our values and imbibed culture traditions. What ever is inculcated starts melting and we find our selves in an odd situations where in we don’t want to face neither world nor our selves and the ESCAPE appears. Since, no training is given to us for facing such odd situation; hence, we find ourselves in a pathetic condition and become a COMIC Character in the mirror of life.

A Sincere Confession-Mom I am your culprit……..
Mom is no more; I must admit and accept the fact. I feel guilt for her death it was me who took the decision and send her in the tunnel of Death ( Apoorv, please don’t mind, last time, let me regret it in a way , so that, I never say it again and again, please betu) The day when Dr Malpani called me up and told me “ her heart is expended and she is having HT, DM and Thyroid too, in totto, so many complications, under such a situation I advise you to give the operation a second thought, you can take her to home and let her live at her own, decide and let me know”. Out side the Private room the young barber was waiting for a YES, so that, he could come shave her hairs of skull, and he gets 40 bugs. I was in the biggest dilemma Shakespeare’s” to or not to be” and she had to pay her life for my hasty decision. I had to say yes as there was no other chance to re think, I was unable to ask my brothers as elder one had a cardiac attack and younger one was a patient of renal failure. The decision had to come from me, very gently I asked Mom and took her permission for shaving and she cried when the young barber cut her hairs and went back. Mom I am your culprit and without any regret I admit this. Mohi says realize it and try to grab this thought for ever, time will come when you will go for churning again and again the guilt will “eradicate” and you will come out from crusade of your own life and feelings. J Krishnamurthy and all others also glorified the death but this regret and culprit feel does not allow me to live, to breathe anymore. Apoorv told me on 26 July I got MAD; he slept me and made me conscious. Am I conscious, am I awaked, am I human being any more? There are so many other guilt’s and I was living with them peacefully and am proud that I have confessed, and the last and biggest one has come up……… this journey to Ganga and Mohi will be able to help me out to get rid from these guilt and a complex of inferiorities? I know….. I don’t know…….. ? may be ……!!!
Life had begun with so many folds and some how I brought it on a pace of natural growth, I tried to nurture it with air, water and sacred things but I failed and got a BOOM RANG, alas! I could be a normal human being and live happily. I am not sure I will be able to live a normal life any more. Yes these two wonderful minds have given me the best of their potential and assured me to be with me for ever, and it gives me a satisfaction. Is in’t Apoorv & Mohi? Although, the fear has gone now, as Apu has written in his blog that “I know I have only one Papa and One Dad”, hence, I will not bother them by asking this question again and again.
IIT Roorkee and Benzene
Roorkee is a wonderful place with small number of people, young budding talents, enthusiastic young chaps and a great institution called IIT. Last time when I was here I was shocked and now in this visit I am happy that I know much about IIT and it’s functioning. Anoop, Amitosh, UT, PB, Sachin and Mohi met me last time, this time two elements of Benzene have gone from the campus PB and Sachin are placed in Jamshedpur and Hydrabad, but the charm of Benzene UT, Amitosh, Anoop and Mohi are still here, so I will have a comfortable and pleasant stay here ’am sure. Also, Mohi will give me some tips to live for a new Life. When I reached it was 715 PM and Mohi came with Sagar to pick me up and we went to Ravindra Bhawan Room 67. The best room I have ever been to………. Dumped my luggage, I was instructed not to bring Laptop, wear woodland shoes, could use mobile only twice in a day. So while putting luggage I assured my self that I will follow the instructions and will live like an obedient humble person. When we were there in room I wept a lot and didn’t say any thing……… I was weeping after 26 July, rather first time.
It was indeed a night out, the very first day of IITR. WE talked a lot on various issues but not mourn the death….it was night full of confessions and full of sorrows and grieves. I was talking continuously and Mohi was putting his ears on my churning, catharsis, confessions and off course trying to understand a man of 42 years old who was becoming a child. We were talking till 5 he was sleeping at 05.34 am and I was looking at him -------- how graceful this boy is!!!!!!! Once upon a time he met me in Army School and I didn’t know that my whole life will bank upon him, is in’t wonderful? One thing I could not understand how did he developed MATURITY? Any way I am not bothered.
We had to get up at about 1230 pm next day and UT was the culprit for this, he knocked the door and gave me a warm hug. I was so happy to see him after a long time, he was having a long beard, just had a word with him. I asked a lot about UNIX, Linux Programming, very passionately he answered my queries as usual he was smart enough to satisfy any one with his FUNDAS and Logics. Unfortunately, he too was punished like Mohi and had to live in IITR for another six months. But no regret and no change in gestures, these professionals have lot to do in free time body building, games, study, books, and preparation for CAT, UPSC, and many more opportunities for them, and height of that they enjoy their leisure time in recreational activities apart from studies. Then comes Amitosh Tiwari, another genius of Benzene. A Rewadi boy and typical Brahmin of Baghelkhand area of MP, but very sweet, humble, mature and modest. Father serves in Govt job, mother is a govt teacher in Rewa only and only son of his parents, completing his M Tech from IITR.
I was very eager to go and see the places near by and hence, insisting the Benzene to accompany me. There were two objectives, last time I could not see Rishikesh and I had to flow the ASTHIS of Mom in Ganga. So, I was very curious to quit quickly for places, but Mohi had his classes till Friday. So we decided to stay and have fun in IITR only freaking out eating good food, and long walk in IIT campus. We had Lunch out side the campus and I also went to taste the food at Mess. We brought some chatar pattar for eating in late nights like cheese, butter, food, Mixture, fruits etc, also I had taken lots of dry fruits for Mohi. It was adequate food supplement for all of us and yes I had lots of chocolates, which we enjoyed till last day I came to Delhi.

The Appointed Day for Night Outs at Laxman Jhula
We started for Rishikesh on Saturday. Went to Haridwar first, took the Bus for Rishikesh. When we reached there we found it was wonderful all around and the sun was setting at horizons and the moon was about to come up……………, it was indeed pleasant and awesome and after seeing the grand river GANGA I became Lunatic. We went to a restaurant, and had so many things and ate up al the dishes were continental full of cheese, noodles and sauces. There was a good shop of books we could see many titles and latest publications. Mohi was very enthuse about different books he was so excited that he was literary taking me to different sections and showing me books which he ahs gone through or read recently. I was also looking at him and was happy that the reading habit of Mohi has increased these days and also he is also preparing for IAS. I remember when he was in Bhopal with me for a month we had been to Landmark and bought about 12 books and he was very happy like a child as if he has got the MOON. Good Mohi keep the spirit up……….. I took tow books of J Krishnamurthy “ You are the World” and “Commentaries on Living”. Manish my Brother was supposed to post me an article of Krishnamurthy on Death after Mom’s death I was completely lost , so he suggested me to read that article but unfortunately he could nt post it till date…. Why people are so casual? If they can nt fulfill any promise why should they make it?
After this grand snack we found out one hotel to put our luggage and finally we found a hotel @ 300/- per night, we took two rooms. Anoop and Ami were in one room and I and Mohi took one room. The rooms were good enough but the basic things he did nt provide like soap, towels, and even buckets and mugs ………. Next afternoon when we were vacating the rooms I had a tough & hot discussion with the owner that they even didn’t offer drinking water, he in stead of saying sorry asked his peons and manager that “ I told you to give rooms only to Foreigners and not the Indians……” what a shame and business attitude. It was a religious place-------- one of the best places in the country!!!!!!
That night was the most memorable night for me when I did a catharsis and sat on the Laxman Jhula for almost full night with Anoop, Ami and Mohi. We discussed a lot and sang songs…… the beautiful foreigners ( Ladies) , the workers, small vendors, shopkeepers and all were passing by, we were sitting at Jhula and feeling the chilled air and to get rid from that cool air we all were singing loudly. I know it was after a long time rather 20 years, when I was in B Sc and used go Hill of Devi in Dewas, bunking classes and use to sing like mad. These 20 years were very hectic for me and I travelled a lot in the country………I have seen people closely and have seen the deterioration in values and principles. For the sack of money and fake fame people have really gone down that includes me too, am not “Dudh Ka Dhula” person.
Any way, we came back at about 3 am to hotel there was no drinking water, Ami and Anoop went to bring water bottles. I and Mohi were talking deeply. I wept and shared the whole episodes of Death and one month, status of house and relations and equations of house. I, simply not only discussed, but also did a churning, an introspection of the things and situations in the house after Mom’s Death. Papa died in 1989 and forcefully I had to take the role of an elder in the house, so as to share and take the responsibilities. Mom, although, took later on all the things like YOG KSHEM VAHAMYAHAM and I was free but played a vital role in all the decisions of house. Today suddenly I realized am the person who should rather must play a role in the house as things are not in control, a house has to be nominated, some meager cash has to be distributed and to pay and maintain all the great relations with all the BIG KUNBA which Mom had maintained nicely, we did nt know even how much energy she used for this all. Now we are realizing how difficult it is to be a part of BIG KUNBA. Now people are looking at me and even my brothers too are expecting from me to be a carrier of values and relations. The last few days, months, years of Mom & typical dynamics in house, between two ladies she felt her self neglected badly. Also my younger brother was also a patient of Chronic Renal Failure, for her it was a shock to see a son as dying in beats, day by day I think this was the greatest sorrow for any mother of the world. Mohi was listening all my nonsense talks and I kept on talking to my self…………. “A monologue with thou self……….” Shakespeare says. Mohi just said slowly ”sleep SAM, time will prove its worth and be bold and I am with you……..for ever” This is what I want Betu.
The Ganga and Long Beaches_____ Silence is so deep that Death could be here.
Next morning we got up a little late I saw beautiful season out side, fog and all oh wonderful!!!!!!!! The Laxman Jhula was crowded badly and huge mass was there. No body wa ready to get up just wanted to do shoeeeeeee shawwwwwwwww and masti and suddenly Mohi and Anoop started fight a real wwf type of masti Ami was in bathroom and I was out seeing the beautiful Jhula clouds and dark morning…. Life is like that only hardly we get Sun and Lights ……. Always shadows and shadows. Came back and asked every one to get ready as we had to go and freak out whole day literary. Got ready by 1130 or so when came to hotel and I asked that owner for basic facilities like towel and water in the rooms he said since you paid less hence you are not entitled for the same!!!!!! I scolded him badly, in turn he asked his peons that “ I told you not to allow this Indians, we should only rent these rooms to Foreigners, in spite of my orders you gave it to these people, be aware next time………… see the dare I India our own country men talking like this and they have a favor for outsiders……. What nonsense. We came Mohi told me to cool down and finally we took an exit from that hotel and reached to a restaurant on the bank of Ganga. The crowd was good indeed and full of Italian food Thai food. WE ordered so many things and ate them till an hour or so. Water and beautiful season………. I was crazy. These young guys were talking laughing and enjoying the beach.
When we started for seeking a lonely place we crossed so many points Mohi showed me Rafting and gave all the fine details, I wish I could be with them in the last trip and this time it was not possible actually no one was ready to take my risk as am bulky and really a chubby guy. Finally we got a nice place we got down and I marked on every stone it was clearly written " NO BIKINY” what a strong culture that would abolish by wearing simple clothes ?????? I don’t know why people and Political parties are fanatic and so scared that if some one will behave the culture of thousand years will be abolished and values will go away……
A Police jawan came and asked and warned us to leave that place and also quoted that one IIT student has recently committed suicide here only, so better we should go to some crowded place or he will take us to police station. We like obedient fellows came to main track and started for a new destination but finally we found there is no “Aloof” place we thought of, and hence we came back to a crowded place.
I had Asthis in my hand sat on a rock for a while and sincerely regretted about the sins and mistakes I did with Mom I was weeping and remembering all those last days that night and the discussion held with Mom all the time which I could not give her and now when I have ample time she is not there to share the things with me…….. in fact there is no body I the world who would listen to me and speak to me. Mom I am your culprit and I killed you…….. had that would not happened you would have survived for at least a few more years and even after operation you would have come back to home with me and talked to me. All your Asthis were in that small pot and I was not having dared to take them out and throw into water….. just last night and that hot discussion………… Mom where are you I want to apologies , I want to confess that I killed you I should not have behaved like that , I should not have taken that decision, I was weeping----- water tears and me all mingled and life, ohhhhh ,,,I should have given up my life then and there only. It was the best option to commit because now what all is left and there is no aspiration and no charm, what will I do with this huge guilt. I waited for some time finally I took out all the asthis gently and sat in the deep water and flew them into the flowing water. Soon all were disappeared and I was really helpless. Just one thing I didn’t bring all the Asthis and Ash, I kept one Asthi and some Ash at my home in Bhopal so that whenever I want to speak to her I can talk and say SORRY but will it do now???????????? I don’t know, I also know I will not be in position to tell this to any one nor I will tell my self but the harsh reality will remain same……… and I will not be excused in any case at any cost, I can not repay for this mistake and guilt will remain in my heart for ever.
Mohi, Anop and Ami were waiting for me, I simply came back as if there was nothing to show, share and tell. We are so clever and always hide the reality. It was time to start back for Haridwar, another Water flow of life, the place I like most, the place of peace, the place of realization, the place of modesty, the place of sacred feelings, the place of temples and Saints. We reached at around 4 PM and as soon as we reached to the banks of Ganga, Ami entered into the holi & chilled water as he is known as TORTOISE. We also had bath for hours, took several pictures and went to Mohan Pudiwala. Nice hot Pudis, Halwa, Lassi and many more things and back to IIT Roorkee. Another memorable trip which not only gave me learning but also taught me to live with sins and guilt, I realized that I have to live with my PAPS and for my two wonderful sons Apu and Mohi and off course their friends. My family is my social commitment and I just can not escape from this they are the people who will ultimately take care of mine and my old age, the kids Sid, Ani and Oju are my future hopes and I have to give all the best to them.

The Journey and Justice – Where is the END?
This was my last night in IITR, I don’t know I will be able to come there again or not, I went to Library with Mohi, he showed me all the sections and also shared his grief for not having good & latest books. He is fond of reading and like a kid whenever he finds a good book, he becomes happy and start smiling. That day also he got some book which he has been looking for quite a long time, his face was full of light and smile and immediately got the book issued, I was staring my eyes on his face, I have not seen great joy of getting a favorite book on any face in these years!!! Young people are not in habit of reading, unfortunately magazines, books are abandoned things in IT Era and when I see this chap, I feel pride. The last day the last night was a party day and Anoop sponsored the party, I wont write here what all was there because I have already got a hard scolding from Mohi when I put pics on Picasa. It was reallya good night and I came to know more about UT, Ami and Anoop. Mohi was like a saint and looking staring at all of us and was completely aloof from al the things. But cooperated nicely in party and gave us strength. We did nt sleep and talking and finally woke up at about 6 am and went for a small walk in the campus. I had Lunch in the mess and found the meal was quite ok, I was showing an article written by Narayan Murthi in India Today about the facilities and importance of food for growing children and youths, I wish I could go to the Director IITR and talked to him about the food that why all these young guys go to civil lines in search of food and eat, pay from their pocket money, in spite of paying high amount to IIT mess……….. but ……….
Any way the luggage was packed and I had to come back leaving all and with sweetest memories of my life these two trips of IITR are treasury for me and specially this particular trip which has given me a renunciation…….. complete relax and self actualization, the journey never ends as Mohi says and he also says that I must not stop my self form tears. Sorrows and grief is part of life and life is always between humor and pathos and we have to cope up with the situations. A small wonder boy was teaching me holding me and preaching me when I was lost and almost gone…….. just want to re iterate here had these would not have not been with me I would have commit suicide. Even now, some times the suicidal tendency comes up very often and I start talking to my hopes and aspirations. But one thing is sure I want to see them live and live my life the things which I could not do in my life I wish they should do all.
Mohi, Anoop and Ami came to drop me at Bus stand I got the Bus and it was a final good bye to IITR with deep feeling of sadness and a great respect that the institute has taught my kids life style and gave them knowledge, exposures and amicable atmosphere to learn grow and develop.

Simplicity of Life & Gaurav Mahani
While coming back I met a boy of an Engineering College of Roorkee Abhay Dhar. He was unfortunately could not get through JEE and hence he took admission in a private college of Roorkee so that with pride he could speak to all that he is studying in Roorkee…………and he could see IIT what a frustration????????
Any way the Bus was good but the roads were pathetic and my back ache was terrible. I some how managed to reach New Delhi, next journey was in train so was I was not bothered.
Sabir Shaikh, one of my best friends, was in Delhi AXIS bank and he had promised me to meet at station as he was too far so it was decided to meet up at Nizammuddin station as I was afraid that I would come back to station in time due to heavy traffic jam in Delhi especially in the evening hours. Sabir was a bright student of SGSITS and did his Engineering and later on he joined Bank served several years and then joined in AXIS bank Delhi, he had been to Delhi for two years I always tell him I will come this time and unfortunately things never turned up. Finally one day he rang up said that he is joining some Islamic Bank in UAE and hence wants to meet me before he leaves India. Today it was the meeting day but again it was not in our destiny and we did not meet. But he sent one young person to meet me. Gaurav Mahani, a 28 years old young talented person CA by profession, and a senior officer in AXIS bank. He came and sat by me. He was quite smart and serious. He started by introducing himself and told me that Sabir Sir is his role model and since you are his role model, so, I was very eager to meet you and wanted to share some of my feelings. I was stunned a young highly qualified person, well placed in AXIS Bank why he is interested to meet me. He said I came to know your Mom has passed away recently so as mine and he started weeping. Literary we both were Cumsum Restaurant at Nizammuddin Station. We just lost our Moms and we were sharing the dark stories of hospitals and cruel systems, relatives, our long nights and grief of helplessness. How sad it was that we had knowledge, money, exposures, resources, contacts but we were helpless. In spite of having all we could not save our Moms and he was also under same guilt. Two mature men were weeping on a public place……….. death is really cruel. Gaurav shared very important thing with me. He said his mother was a lever patient, and lever transplantation was suggested by the doctors but due to her physical conditions they could not do it and in the mean tie she died. Gaurav was ready to give his liver and also had ample amount for the lever transplantation. Since she died he wanted to help poor people who were in need of money. He asked me to find out really needy for the same cause. He was ready to spend Rs 25 Lacs………… When I heard about this I was shoked…….. a man is ready to spend this much amount and was asking me to help him out to fid the real needy person. Hats off Gaurav!!!!!!!!!! You have come very close to my heart. He dropped me till train and started calling me as DADA as I am known popularly among my peers. I was wondering that people like Gaurav are still there in this harsh time that can really bank upon people like me and ready to spend that of much of amount on poor people. Really you are great Gaurav. Hats off
This meeting with Gaurav has wiped away my guilt to some extent and I came back to same wild life for another Sun Rise and another struggle after all we are living in Darwinian Jungle and we have to struggle for existence and give our best.
SAM